It's the Weekend Weegie!

A speaker at a dinner I attended in Glasgow posed the question: "Where would we be without humour?" And as one would expect in Glasgow, he got his answer from an obliging 'weegie' sitting at one of the front tables. "Edinburgh!" was the response, accompanied by much laughter and hand clapping.

In Glasgow it's dangerous to ask open questions because it's unlikely you'll get the response you were looking for.


Examples of this are abound, such as the DJ who was less than impressive and was not having the desired effect of getting his audience on the dance floor. He asked, "Is there anything you want me to put on?" to which one girl answered, "You can start with your jacket!"or similarly, the unfortunate four piece band that was not living up to the bill. The band leader asked the gathered crowd if there was anything they would like the band to play? "Dominoes" came the reply from yet another female!

Which brings me on to the Glaswegian fairer sex, although 'unfairer' is probably more accurate. At the airport checkin on my way back to South Africa from Glasgow, a harassed mother with a couple of kids was yelling at them to "cut it out now!" as they ran wild. On reaching the checkin she was informed that due to new security her suitcases would need to be searched for firearms and drugs. Well that was the camel that broke the straws back (she took the hump). "Do you think that if I had either, I would have used them by now?"

I can remember a friend of my mother's who told her at a 'coffee morning' that she read recipies in the glossy magazines in the same way she read science fiction. "I get to the the end and I think to myself, ...well that's never going to happen." This same friend, was very philosophical about life and while demolishing a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc told my Mum in a rather loud voice that; "I've always thought that if you can't be a good example, you can always be a terrible reminder."

Life as a male in Glasgow is not easy. Aged seven, I was given a part in the school play. I went home and told my Mum who said; "That's wonderful! What part are you playing?" I said I was going to play the Scottish husband. My mother looked at me and said; "You get back down to that school and tell your teacher you want a speaking part."

I hated Sunday School, it was really boring, but one Sunday I was sitting there with wee Alex and the teacher was trying to get the point across about Jesus still being in our lives. She asked the question "Where is Jesus today?" Among the answers was 'heaven', and so on, but Alex said, "Miss, he's in our bathroom." Naturally the teacher asked how could this be, to which Alex replied: "Every morning my Dad bangs on the bathroom door and yells, Jesus, are you still in there?"

Shrinking Violet do not exist in Glasgow. It's more like stinging nettles. There's no hiding place if you're male. Take for instance the girl at the express check-out of Tescos who took one look at the loaded basket of goods being handed to her by a guy in his twenties (probably a student) and quick as you like said; " I'm not sure if you can't read or you can't count, but your luck's up pal." Or the old guy at the movies who was buying some popcorn. When he got to the till the woman said, "that will be £2.50" to which the man said, "The last time I was here it was less than £1!" 'Well" says the girl "You're in for a right treat tonight because they've added sound to the pictures now!"

But I will finish with a story that proves women are infallible. I was witness to a scene outside a trendy Glasgow night club. A woman who had not, by the looks of it, had a great night and was definately the worse for drink was being ushered into a taxi by the doorman. The taxi driver looked round and said as she was getting in, "Where to Love?" that was met with the response, "...and what the hells that got to do with you?"

My thanks to Ken Smith and David Belcher for the fun, More from "It's the Weekend Weegie" next week.